Triggers and Cravings: Combined!
Ah yes, triggers and cravings. Day 145 here. Out of the blue, I had a craving for white wine. Why? My aged mother is coming to visit for Easter.
The last time I saw her was at my son's college graduation last May, when I was responsible for getting her at the airport, getting her situated at the hotel in one city, moving her to another city, etc., all while orchestrating the events surrounding my dear son's graduation. How did I handle it? With white wine, of course!
I brought eight of those little mini-bottles of white wine, in the back of the car. They followed us into the hotel. I guess I was thinking that those mini-bottles would represent moderation. After all, one bottle is about two glasses; so try to limit yourself to two little bottles, ok?
Without going into details, suffice it to say that I found it much easier to be around my mother while having the white wine. I am embarrassed to say that half way through the visit (despite my moderation with the little bottles), we were all out of wine. While we were at a bookstore, I left the group and made a quick detour to the wine store next door to re-stock.
Yes, it is embarrassing to remember that. How I felt. How I wanted to make sure that I didn't run out of wine. Why? Well, because of my mom. Sure: because of my mom, not because of me. Sound familiar?
And now it is Day 145 for me and she arrives tomorrow. I realize I have to have white wine in the fridge. Why? Because she loves it! She doesn't drink more than one glass these days (she is very aged), but I need to have it for her.
So for the first time in a long time, I went to the liquor store today. I really thought: if I get my favorite white wine, I could blow this whole thing and drink a glass or two with my mom just because. Just because. Are you feeling me, people?!
I thought the whole thing through. I thought how very terrible I would feel. Especially the next day. How I would have to tell all of you about it! How it could be the start of a whole new cycle of drinking.
So what did I do? I went into the store and got a type of white wine that I know my mom likes, but which is not one of my favorites. And it is now in the fridge. Next to all my great drinks, like sparkling lemonade and sparkling white grape juice.
I decided not to torture myself by getting that New Zealand white that I used to enjoy so much. Why would I do that to myself? This reminds me: someone brought a bottle over to the house over the holidays for me. Yes, that same bottle that I know so well. I just handed it to my husband later that night and asked him to open it and pour it down the drain. Which, dear man, he did.
We do not need to torture ourselves by putting ourselves into difficult positions. It is bad enough that I have a bottle of white wine in the house, let alone my ole fave. But I have thought it through and I have a plan.
I can picture myself sitting with my mom, her with her white wine and me with my lemonade. I can picture myself relaxing and being refreshed by the power of the lemonade, and my own faith in myself and my new attitude. I take a deep breath and I feel confident. It is Day 145. It is going to be a great Easter. I will report back to you all soon.
The last time I saw her was at my son's college graduation last May, when I was responsible for getting her at the airport, getting her situated at the hotel in one city, moving her to another city, etc., all while orchestrating the events surrounding my dear son's graduation. How did I handle it? With white wine, of course!
I brought eight of those little mini-bottles of white wine, in the back of the car. They followed us into the hotel. I guess I was thinking that those mini-bottles would represent moderation. After all, one bottle is about two glasses; so try to limit yourself to two little bottles, ok?
Without going into details, suffice it to say that I found it much easier to be around my mother while having the white wine. I am embarrassed to say that half way through the visit (despite my moderation with the little bottles), we were all out of wine. While we were at a bookstore, I left the group and made a quick detour to the wine store next door to re-stock.
Yes, it is embarrassing to remember that. How I felt. How I wanted to make sure that I didn't run out of wine. Why? Well, because of my mom. Sure: because of my mom, not because of me. Sound familiar?
And now it is Day 145 for me and she arrives tomorrow. I realize I have to have white wine in the fridge. Why? Because she loves it! She doesn't drink more than one glass these days (she is very aged), but I need to have it for her.
So for the first time in a long time, I went to the liquor store today. I really thought: if I get my favorite white wine, I could blow this whole thing and drink a glass or two with my mom just because. Just because. Are you feeling me, people?!
I thought the whole thing through. I thought how very terrible I would feel. Especially the next day. How I would have to tell all of you about it! How it could be the start of a whole new cycle of drinking.
So what did I do? I went into the store and got a type of white wine that I know my mom likes, but which is not one of my favorites. And it is now in the fridge. Next to all my great drinks, like sparkling lemonade and sparkling white grape juice.
I decided not to torture myself by getting that New Zealand white that I used to enjoy so much. Why would I do that to myself? This reminds me: someone brought a bottle over to the house over the holidays for me. Yes, that same bottle that I know so well. I just handed it to my husband later that night and asked him to open it and pour it down the drain. Which, dear man, he did.
We do not need to torture ourselves by putting ourselves into difficult positions. It is bad enough that I have a bottle of white wine in the house, let alone my ole fave. But I have thought it through and I have a plan.
I can picture myself sitting with my mom, her with her white wine and me with my lemonade. I can picture myself relaxing and being refreshed by the power of the lemonade, and my own faith in myself and my new attitude. I take a deep breath and I feel confident. It is Day 145. It is going to be a great Easter. I will report back to you all soon.
Well done you!
ReplyDeleteI've said things to my husband in the past like, "If you think I'm going through lunch/dinner with X and Y without wine you're nuts..." But yes, looking at it afresh is it really helping to be half-cut in order to deal with difficult people? Did it just make *that* woman find me even more judgement-worthy and give *that* man even more excuses to patronise me?
Thank you so much, Mrs. Sobers. Out of respect for my mom, I didn't say directly the part that she can be pretty darn abusive and judgmental. But you are right, and it hurts, and I thank you for your support! More than you can know...
DeleteYou can choose your friends, as the saying goes ... xx
DeleteI hope it all went well for you. Many women in recovery have hard relationships with their moms it seems. There is nothing wrong with you saying, I don't have wine in the house, and let her have lemonade too.
ReplyDeletexo
Wendy